Not Just "Teen Drama": The Serious Reality of Online Relationship Abuse
This morning, I read a news article that contained many of the dangers I have previously warned about on this very blog. Still, it never fails to shock me at the levels of misery created by the online world and social media platforms.
As parents, teachers or others with a duty of care for children, I know that many of you, by reading this blog, are striving to protect the children in your care, guiding them through the complexities of adolescence has only become harder in this technological world.
Over the years, I have observed a disturbing trend emerging, a significant rise in abusive teen relationships, increasingly intertwined with the all-encompassing influence of the internet and social media. Enabling you to understand this evolving landscape is going to be extremely important in your journey to protect your children.
Recent data from the domestic abuse charity Refuge reveals a concerning surge in incidents between April 2024 and March 2025. Young women and girls in the UK are increasingly becoming victims, with domestic abuse spiralling out of control among those under 25.
The most commonly reported form of harm is psychological abuse, affecting 73% of young women and girls surveyed. This can manifest as a slow, determined peeling away of a person's personality, leading to isolation and constant monitoring. For instance, one survivor, Marnie (not her real name), recounted how her first serious boyfriend at 16 isolated her, constantly checking her phone, bombarding her with calls and messages, and even showing up where she was, simply because she "wasn't trusted" to do something as minor as getting her nails done. He stopped her from seeing friends, shouted at her, accused her of looking at other men, and even deleted messages from her mother so Marnie wouldn't know she had tried to reach her. The long-term toll of such abuse can be severe, leading to frequent panic attacks and even a diagnosis of PTSD years later.
When I read the story about Marnie, it highlighted for me just how important many of the foundational elements of my blog posts are. Communicating with your child in an open and honest way without judgement would likely mean they come to you with worries or concerns much earlier in the downward spiral that is described above. Trust me when I say that psychological trauma is not something that heals easily and has repercussions that will affect many aspects of life.
Beyond the mental abuse, physical violence is also sadly prevalent. Amongst the 16-25 year olds who were surveyed and reported physical violence, half of them stated that they had been strangled or suffocated! What is even more worrying to me though is the fact that discussions about strangulation and misogynistic behaviour are being observed between children as young as nine, they are clearly being influenced by attitudes they have encountered online, including from “influencers” like Andrew Tate (Although I have a different title for people like him and its not something I can publish here!) This highlights another of the foundational messages I preach about, early intervention and education for children so they can understand the process of critical thinking regarding what they see and hear on the internet.
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I know it often seems like I have a huge downer on social media…………… That is true as I do personally hate it and the toxic environment it creates but I also realise that there are positives to ‘normal’ people that creates opportunities for connection and community, you just need to be aware that it has become a breeding ground for abuse and exploitation because an awareness of the risks is a good defence against the negative effects of social media.
New apps and platforms are creating opportunities for teens to form and develop relationships, but they are also enabling intimate partner violence (IPV) by increasing points and forms of contact, making it simpler to gain insight into a partner’s private life. Sadly, this whole sorry state of affairs even has a name: digital domestic abuse (DDA) which is described as when someone monitors, stalks, harasses, threatens, controls or impersonates another person using technology.
Here are some key ways technology is being misused in teen relationships:
Constant Surveillance and Control: This is the most common adverse digital experience reported. Abusers may demand passwords, check messages, track location through apps like 'Find My Friends', or even install spyware on phones, laptops, or smartwatches. They might control who their partner can "friend" or "follow" on social media or pressure them to block/delete friends or social media accounts by using the very tools created for parents to protect their children.
Digital Harassment: This includes electronic intrusiveness, violating privacy, excessive texting, sending insults, unpleasant or frightening messages/posts, spreading rumours, and "outing" private information.
Aggression and Coercion: This involves threats, blackmail, cyberbullying and emotional violence. It can also include sexual pressure or threats and coercion to share private texts, pictures, or nude photos, or sharing such images without consent (often called "revenge porn" which is now a specified criminal offence).
Impersonation and Deception: Abusers use tactics like "catfishing" (creating fake profiles) to harass victims, making it difficult to block them. They might "spoof" phone numbers to make calls appear to come from a trusted contact or to make it seem like the victim called them, muddying the waters.
Enlisting Third Parties: Offenders may recruit others, sometimes via online forums, to harass the victim with hateful comments, spam, obscene images, or bogus friend requests. This can involve "trolling" and "doxing" (revealing personal information like name, address, or workplace). A particularly dangerous tactic is "swatting," where false reports are made to police to provoke an emergency response at the victim's location, which can be traumatic and life-threatening.
These digital behaviours, though "remote," are no less harmful than traditional forms of abuse. They are experiences that can cause severe emotional, psychological, and physical consequences. The 24/7 nature of digital control makes it harder for victims to access help.
Worryingly, some of these behaviours, like demanding to track a partner's location, are becoming normalised in teenage relationships, making it harder for teens to recognise them as abuse.
Warning Signs to Watch Out For:
Social Withdrawal/Isolation: A sudden decrease in desire to spend time with friends or participate in usual activities.
Obsessive Phone Use/Anxiety around Devices: Constantly checking their phone, or conversely, being unable to access it; anxiety or panic attacks related to phone use or lack thereof.
Mood and Health Changes: Exhibiting signs of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, loneliness, emotional distress, fear, or disrupted sleep.
Academic/Behavioural Issues: Poor grades, absenteeism, or engaging in drug and alcohol abuse.
Controlling Behaviours: If your child starts exhibiting controlling behaviours themselves, such as excessive texting, social media surveillance, or public shaming.
Unusual Digital Discussions: Children as young as nine are discussing topics like strangulation or displaying misogynistic attitudes learned online.
Self-Harm or Suicidal Ideation: These are severe consequences that can arise from IPV/DDA.
What Can You Do? Breaking the silence and empowering young people to recognise and respond to digital abuse is paramount.
Foster Open Communication:
Be Curious, Not Critical: Approach conversations about online life with an open mind. Ask them about their favourite influencers, games, or apps, and show genuine interest. Let them teach you about what they do online.
Create a Safe Space: Assure them they can come to you if anything online upsets them. Listen calmly, without overreacting or judging, and praise them for sharing. Avoid threatening to take away devices if they disclose an issue.
Talk Regularly and Proactively: Don't wait for a problem to arise. Discuss online safety ahead of time, perhaps by de-personalising issues with current news stories.
Lead by Example: Model healthy digital habits yourself.
Set Clear Boundaries and Use Controls:
Family Agreements: Establish clear rules about when and where devices can be used, screen time limits, and what information can be shared.
Implement Parental Controls: Utilise controls on home broadband, individual devices, and ensure safe search functions (like Google Safety Centre or YouTube's restricted mode) are activated.
Encourage "Tech-Free" Times: Introduce tech-free mealtimes and encourage keeping phones out of bedrooms at night to promote a healthy balance.
Educate About Digital Literacy and Privacy:
Online Permanence: Teach children that anything uploaded, emailed, or messaged online can stay there forever. Remind them to only post what they'd be comfortable with you, a teacher, or a future employer seeing.
Privacy Settings: Help them set high privacy settings on all social networks and regularly change passwords. Emphasise that default settings are often public.
Personal Information: Stress not to share personal details like phone numbers, addresses, or school names online without adult permission.
Critical Thinking: Help them evaluate the quality and reliability of online sources.
Promote Healthy Digital Relationships:
Digital Boundaries: Educate young people about healthy digital boundaries in relationships, clarifying that behaviours like demanding location sharing without consent are not acceptable.
Respect Online: Teach them to treat others as they'd like to be treated online and to think before they post comments, as misunderstandings are easy.
Peer Pressure: Explain the serious consequences, including school or police involvement, if they are pressured into cyberbullying or sending inappropriate images.
Online-Only Contacts: Advise against meeting people they've only talked to online in real life without adult knowledge and support. Discuss "stranger danger" in the context of online grooming.
Practical Steps to Address Tech-Facilitated Abuse:
Secure Accounts: If abuse is suspected, help them change passwords, enable two-factor authentication, and consider a separate, secure email address for important accounts that an abusive partner doesn't know about.
Document Everything: Encourage taking screenshots of abusive messages, emails, or online activity as evidence. Keep a record of incidents, including dates and times, in a safe, private location. Trusted friends might also be able to document evidence.
Identify Tracking: Be aware that devices like AirTags, smartwatches, or shared accounts can be used for tracking. If spyware is suspected, reset the device or seek professional tech support.
Report and Block: Ensure they know how to block abusive comments and report worrying content or behaviour to the platform directly.
Where to Find Help: If you suspect a child or teen is experiencing abuse, or if you need support yourself, please reach out to the following organisations:
The National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247
Refuge: Offers a Tech Abuse and Safety Service providing specialist advice on online safety.
Women's Aid: Women’s Aid is the national charity working to end domestic abuse against women and children.
Respect: A helpline for male domestic abuse victims: 0808 8010327
Galop: The LGBT+ anti-violence charity: 0800 999 5428
Tender: Runs workshops and lessons on healthy relationships in schools.
Love Is Respect: Love Is Respect is the national resource to disrupt and prevent unhealthy relationships and intimate partner violence.
Break tha Cycle: Break Tha Cycle is a Youth and Community-Led Charity Established in 2015.
As always, thank you for your support. Please share this across your social media, and if you do have any comments, questions, or concerns, then feel free to reach out to me here or on BlueSky, as I am always happy to spend some time helping to protect children online.
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